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Things read - Week 36

Things read - Week 36

I have been dragging along 'Maybe You Should Talk to Someone' by Lori Gottlieb. If I were to lazily describe the book, I would call it 'interesting.' At first, it seemed like a book advocating the need for therapy (which it is, obviously), but the writer, who is also a therapist, has to also go for therapy to deal with a crisis of her own; and that gives the book a twist. Following are some common therapeutic techniques that might seem obvious but don’t hurt reiterating:

Cognitive reframing: Cognitive reframing: Becoming more aware of the thoughts, especially negative and questioning "is this thought helpful or harmful?" Look for evidence for/against your assumptions. The choice of words also matters e.g., problem → challenge, overwhelmed → challenged, failed → learned, can't handle this → one step at a time, this is too difficult → help me build resilience etc.

Radical acceptance: Radical acceptance: It is accepting reality without approving of it. This is a bit related to Stoicism, that we need to acknowledge what we cannot change and focus on what we can control. The book has some interesting examples of patients that the author sees who have accepted loss, illness, or relationship endings. It also helps in completely buying into the idea that suffering is part of the human experience, and all you have to do is learn to deal with it.

Unavoidable human struggles

We humans tend to suffer through the same set of struggles over the course of our lifespan. Here are some mentioned in the book:

Is this it?

This question usually hits during midlife transitions, and some common triggers could be career dissatisfaction, changes in relationships, etc. This is where a clear vision of your values comes in handy. What are your core beliefs about what makes life meaningful? It also doesn't help that in this phase, we often confuse our values with expectations. Some questions to keep asking yourself are:

  • What activities make you lose track of time? What do you feel most like yourself?
  • What are you doing because you 'should' rather than because you want to?

Once you have collected these thoughts, implementing them gradually can help deal with this.

Perfectionism and control

We often try to control outcomes instead of focusing on our responses. The world's oldest therapist, Krishna, taught Arjun 'Karma Yoga':

कर्मण्येवाधिकारस्ते मा फलेषु कदाचन। मा कर्मफलहेतुर्भूर्मा ते सङ्गोऽस्त्वकर्मणि॥

You have the right to perform your actions, but you are not entitled to the fruits of action.

The sooner we understand this, the better we are equipped to handle the crisis when it arises. An example of 'controlling outcomes' might look something like this: "If I work 80 hours a week, I'll definitely get promoted." But a focused, thoughtful response could look something like this: "I can't guarantee a promotion, but I can do quality work and advocate for myself".

Million dollar questions

Here are some questions that the author suggested asking every now and then to inculcate self-awareness:

For decision making:

  • What am I avoiding by not making this choice?
  • What would I regret more - trying and failing, or not trying?
  • How will I feel about this in 5 years?

For relationships:

  • What pattern am I contributing to this conflict?
  • What do I need that I'm not asking for?
  • How can I respond differently than usual?

For life satisfaction:

  • What would I do if I couldn't fail?
  • What values am I not honoring in my current life?
  • What story am I telling myself about my limitations?

After reading the entire book cover to cover, I think everything boils down to a single habit: journaling (aka self-awareness). And finally some quotes from the book:

Modern man thinks he loses something — time — when he doesn’t do things quickly; yet he doesn’t know what to do with the time he gains except kill it.
Anger is to go-to feeling for most people because its outward-directed — angrily blaming others can feel deliciously sanctimonious. But often its only the tip of the iceberg, and if you look beneath the surface, you’ll glimpse submerged feelings you either were not aware of or didn’t want to show: fear, helplessness, envy, loneliness, insecurity. And if you can tolerate these deeper feelings long enough to understand them and listen to what they’re telling you, you’ll not only manage your anger in more productive ways, you also won’t be so angry all the time.
There is a difference between pain and suffering , Wendell says. Everyone feels pain at times — but you don’t have to suffer so much. You’re not choosing the pain, but you’re choosing the suffering. You can’t get through your pain by diminishing it, he reminded me. You get through your pain by accepting it and figuring out what to do with it. You can’t change what you are denying or minimising.
We marry our unfinished business. It’s not that people want to get hurt again. It’s that they want to master a situation in which they felt helpless as children. Freud called this “repetition compulsion”